Week One in Lockdown: Joe Exotic

I started the lockdown with a weird, sort of tingly excitement, which was soon followed by dread. I was curious about what life would be like now I had so much free time and no obligations, but also scared too. It felt like I was going on a weird holiday, but one where I don’t leave the house, I’ve got no money, everyone feels stressed and I don’t have a ‘proper’ job to go back to. Basically, not a holiday in anyway, but a fucking nightmare.

At the start of the week I was determined to come out of lockdown with a Kardashian like figure. I know this is ridiculous (not even Kim or Kylie are able to do this without going under the knife), but I was swept up in the moment of being one of those super productive people who work out every day and count their calories, macros, steps, blessings etc etc.

I did loads of exercise for the first few days and felt revitalised and ready to take on the world, but by day three I couldn’t move and I hated the fact I had been suckered into all those yoga videos on Insta and YouTube. I am not a ‘yogie’ and doing three classes in one day was stupid, especially when the only form of stretching I do is first thing in the morning. However, if this sounds right up your street then check out https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=30+days+with+adriene

From being super strict and energetic in the first few days to then having a mental and physical burn out only days later. I gave up with the notion that I HAVE to come out of this lockdown skinnier than I was before. I’m going to try and not eat whole packets of biscuits in one go, but I’m also not going to beat myself up if I do, the same way I’m not giving up on yoga, but I’m not going to force myself to do it either. I’m only human and tea and biscuits are life.

Amidst of all the crazy it’s the dogs I’ve been feeling sorry for. Not because of Corona, I know they can’t get that (THANK GOD), but because it’s now us who are invading their time and pleading them to go out for walks. In the past it was Archie, who would follow me round the house vying for my attention, and now it’s me who’s following him around asking ‘where are you going?’ It’s a very weird sort of role reversal were I still have to pick up his shit, but Archie decides if he would like to go out for a walk with me. Also, I think me documenting his every move is starting to do his/and everyone else’s head in. Soz.

I think by about day three I gave up wearing makeup and putting on a bra. Not in a liberating feminist sort of way, just because I couldn’t be arsed and it’s comfy. I watched the entire Tiger King series in two days and it was the highlight of my week, month, definitely year. I mean 2020 is a shit show so there’s not much competition but it’s still been the best thing ever. Anyway, I would never have thought it would be a mullet wearing, tiger loving, cowboy that would get me through the first week of lockdown. If you haven’t watched it yet, I highly recommend, it’s insane. I’m actually gutted I’ve finished it. I don’t know what I what I would have done if Joe Exotic wouldn’t have came into my life. If you haven’t got the time or energy then a little glance on this will provide all you need to know https://www.businessinsider.com/who-is-joe-exotic-maldonado-passage-tiger-king-netflix?r=US&IR=T

I’ve taken 50000 baths and been on what feels like a million walks. Sometimes I can’t wait to get out the house, and sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed. My moods are as erratic as this weather, some days sunny and some days miserable but I’m okay with that. If I tried to be positive and upbeat about every single thing, every single day I’d spontaneously combust and the world would be showered with chippies, gin and my vital organs.

I started four books and finished none, so if anyone has any suggestions please do send them over. Although with my recent track record I may not get past chapter one at the min. I wrote three new scenes for a play and despised them all. I looked up a few freelance jobs and decided they all made me want to jump out the window, from a downstairs room, but still.

With the world on lockdown and our socials filled with posts about doing really productive things I thought I would write this post, and future posts, to hopefully show that watching films is okay, working out is okay, walking round room to room in a blanket is okay, being super productive or doing nada are equally okay as long as you’re able to. I mean it’s incredible that people are learning new languages and finding new hobbies, but I don’t think people should feel guilty if they are sitting round in their pyjamas watching Netflix like I have been. Do whatever makes you happy. I’m taking each week as it comes; this is looking to be a marathon, not a sprint.

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