Week One in Lockdown: Joe Exotic

I started the lockdown with a bizarre tingly sort of excitement, which was quickly followed by dread. I was curious about what life would be like now I had so much free time and no obligations, but also scared too. It felt like I was going on a weird holiday, but one where I don’t leave the house, I’ve got no money, everyone feels stressed and I don’t have a job to go back to. Basically, not a holiday in anyway but a fucking nightmare.

In the beginning of the week, I was determined that I was going to come out of this with a Kardashian like figure. I know this is ridiculous, but I was swept up in the moment of being one of those super productive people who work out every day and count their calories, macros, steps, blessings etc etc.

I did loads of exercise for the first few days and felt revitalised and ready to take on the world, but by day 3 I couldn’t move and I hated the fact I had been suckered into all those yoga videos on Insta. I am not a ‘yogie’ and doing three classes in one day was stupid, especially when the only form of stretching I do is first thing in the morning.

From being super strict and energetic in the first few days to then having a mental and physical burn out only days later. I gave up with the notion that I HAVE to come out of this lockdown skinnier than I was before. I’m going to try and not eat whole packets of biscuits in one go, but I’m also not going to beat myself up if I do, the same way I’m not giving up on yoga, but I’m not going to force myself to do it either. I’m only human and tea and biscuits are life.

Amidst of all the crazy it’s the dogs I’ve been feeling sorry for. Not because of Corona, I know they can’t get that (THANK GOD), but because it’s now us who are invading their time and pleading with them go out for walks. In the past it was Archie, who would follow me round the house vying for my attention, and now it’s me who’s following him around asking ‘where you going?’ It’s a very weird sort of role reversal where I still have to pick up his shit, but Archie decides if he would like to go out for a walk with me. Also, I think me documenting his every move is starting to do his/and everyone else’s head in. Soz.

I think by about day 3 I gave up wearing makeup and putting on a bra. Not in a liberating feminist sort of way, just because I couldn’t be arsed and it’s comfy. I watched the entire Tiger King series in 2 days and it was the highlight of my week, month, definitely year. I mean 2020 is a shit show so there’s not much competition but it’s still been the best thing ever. Anyway, I would never have thought it would be a mullet wearing, tiger loving, cowboy that get me through the lockdown. If you haven’t watched it yet, I highly recommend it’s insane. I’m actually gutted I’ve finished it. I don’t know what I what I would have done if Joe Exotic wouldn’t have came into my life.

I downloaded The Sims ready to re-live my childhood and made the ‘rosebud’ version of my life. I built my perfect house, even made a little Archie and then realised how sad it was. I felt like a gimp so I haven’t played it since. I started 4 books and finished none, so if anyone has any suggestions please send them over. Although with my recent track record I may not get past chapter 1 at the min.

I’ve taken 50000 baths and been on what feels like a million walks. Sometimes I can’t wait to get out the house, and sometimes I can’t face getting out of bed. My moods are as erratic as this weather, some days sunny and some days miserable but I’m okay with that. If I tried to be positive and upbeat about every single thing, every single day I’d spontaneously combust and the world would be showered with chippies, gin and my vital organs.

With the world on lockdown and our socials filled with posts about doing really productive things I thought I would write this post, and future posts, to hopefully show that watching films is okay, working out is okay, walking round room to room in a blanket is okay, being super productive or doing nada are equally okay as long as you’re able to. I mean it’s incredible that people are learning new languages and finding new hobbies, but I don’t think people should feel guilty if they are sitting round in their pyjamas watching Netflix like I have been. Do whatever makes you happy. I’m taking each week as it comes; this is looking to be a marathon, not a sprint.

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